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"Cats" and all related things are the property of Andrew Lloyd Webber, The Really Useful Group, and related parties. Lyrics are taken from and based off "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" and other poems by T.S. Eliot, with additions by Trevor Nunn and Richard Stilgoe. No copyright infringement is intended.
Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
Sung by: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer (London, Australia, Video)
Mr. Mistoffelees (Broadway)
Original London Cast
Original Broadway Cast
Original Australian Cast
Video
Macavity!

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
We're a notorious couple of cats,
As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats


We have an extensive reputation,
We make our home in Victoria Grove -
This is merely our center of operation,
For we are incurably given to rove


We are very well known in Cornwall Gardens,
In Launceston Place and in Kensington Square -
We have really a little more reputation
Than a couple of cats can very well bear.


If the area window is found ajar
And the basement looks like a field of war
If a tile or two comes loose on the roof

Which presently fails to be waterproof
If the drawers are pulled out from bedroom chests
And you can't find one of your winter vests

If after supper one of the girls
Suddenly misses her Woolworth pearls:


The family will say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"Was it Mungojerrie?"
"Or Rumpelteazer?"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a very unusual gift of the gab

We are highly efficient cat-burglars as well,
And remarkably smart at a smash-and-grab
We make our home in Victoria Grove

We have no regular occupation
We are plausible fellows, who like to engage
A friendly policeman in conversation

When the family assembles for Sunday dinner,
With their minds made up that they won't get thinner

On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens
And the cook will appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that is broken with sorrow:
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow
For the joint has gone from the oven - like that!"

The family will say: "It's that horrible cat!"

"Was it Mungojerrie?"
"Or Rumpelteazer?"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of working together

And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather
We go through the house like a hurricane,
And no sober person could take his oath
Was it Mungojerrie? Or Rumpelteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it might've been both?

And when you hear a dining-room smash
Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash
Or down from the library there comes a loud ping
From a vase that was commonly said to be Ming -

The family will say: "Now which was which cat?"
"It was Mungojerrie! - And Rumpelteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees' conjuring turn!

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
Were a notorious couple of cats,
As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats

They had an extensive reputation,
They made their home in Victoria Grove -
That was merely their center of operation,
For they were incurably given to rove

If the area window was found ajar
And the basement looked like a field of war
If a tile or two came loose on the roof
Which presently ceased to be waterproof
If the drawers were pulled out from the bedroom chests
And you couldn't find one of your winter vests
Or after supper one of the girls
Suddenly missed her Woolworth pearls:

Then the family would say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"It was Mungojerrie or Rumpelteazer!"
And most of the time they left it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had an unusual gift of the gab
They were highly efficient cat-burglars as well,
And remarkably smart at a smash-and-grab
They made their home in Victoria Grove
They had no regular occupation
They were plausible fellows, who liked to engage
A friendly policeman in conversation

When the family assembled for Sunday dinner,
Their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner
On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens
Then the cook would appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow:
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow
The joint has gone from the oven - like that!"

Then the family would say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"It was Mungojerrie or Rumpelteazer!"
And most of the time they left it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had a wonderful way of working together
And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather
They go through the house like a hurricane,
And no sober person could take his oath
Was it Mungojerrie? Or Rumpelteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it might'nt be both?

And when you heard a dining-room smash
Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash
Or down from the library came a loud ping
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming -

Then the family would say: "Now which was which cat?"
"It was Mungojerrie! - And Rumpelteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
We're a notorious couple of cats,
As knockabout clowns and quick-change comedians
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats


We have an extensive reputation,
We make our home in Victoria Grove -
It is merely our center of operation,

For we are incurably given to rove

If the area window is found ajar
And the basement looks like a field of war
If a tile or two comes loose on the roof
Which presently ceased to be waterproof

If the drawers are pulled out of the bedroom chests
And you can't find one of your winter vests
Or after supper one of the girls
Suddenly misses her Woolworth pearls:


Then the family'll say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"Was it Mungojerrie?"
"Or Rumpelteazer?"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have an unusual gift of the gab

We are highly efficient cat-burglars as well,
And remarkably smart at a smash-and-grab
We make our home in Victoria Grove
We have no regular occupation
We are plausible fellows, who like to engage

A friendly policeman in conversation

When the family assembles for Sunday dinner,
Their minds made up that they won't get thinner

On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens
Then the cook will appear from behind the scenes
And say in a voice that is broken with sorrow:
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow
For the joint has gone from the oven - like that!"


Then the family'll say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"Was it Mungojerrie?"
"Or Rumpelteazer?"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of working together
And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather
We go through the house like a hurricane,
And no sober person could take his oath

Was it Mungojerrie? Or Rumpelteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it might'nt be both?

And when you hear a dining-room smash
Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash
Or down from the library comes a loud ping
From a vase which is commonly said to be Ming -

Then the family'll say: "Now which was which cat?"

"It was Mungojerrie! - And Rumpelteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!
Macavity!

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer
We're a notorious couple of cats,
As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians
Tight-rope walkers and acrobats


We have an extensive reputation,
We make our home in Victoria Grove -
This is merely our center of operation,

For we are incurably given to rove

When the family assembled for Sunday dinner,

Their minds made up that they won't get thinner
On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens
Then the cook would appear from behind the scenes

And say in a voice that is broken with sorrow:
"I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow
The joint has gone from the oven - like that!"


Then the family'll say: "It's that horrible cat!"
"Was it Mungojerrie?"
"Or Rumpelteazer?"
And most of the time they leave it at that

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer have a wonderful way of working together
And some of the time you would say it was luck
And some of the time you would say it was weather
We go through the house like a hurricane,
And no sober person could take his oath

Was it Mungojerrie? Or Rumpelteazer?
Or could you have sworn that it might've been both?

And when you hear a dining-room smash
Or up from the pantry there comes a loud crash
Or down from the library came a loud ping
From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming -

Then the family'll say: "Now which was which cat?"

"It was Mungojerrie! - And Rumpelteazer!"
And there's nothing at all to be done about that!

And there's nothing at all to be done about that!
Notes

There are three distinct versions of this song. The Original London Recording has it as a slower, jazzier song. When the show went to Broadway, this was swapped out in favour of a much more upbeat song. Instead of having it sung by the titular characters, it was sung by Mr. Mistoffelees, with Coricopat and Etcetera dancing, acting as "dolls" of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer brought to life by Mistoffelees' magic. (Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any video footage of this particular version online; I hear that the New York Public Library has a copy, for those interested.) From 1987 onwards, the song went back to being sung by Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer themselves, but kept the livelier tempo introduced by the 1982 Broadway version; this is the version that the video and Australian CD use, and the version that is generally used in modern productions of the show.

The spelling of Rumpelteazer's name varies... a lot. The London and Broadway CDs and librettos spell it both as "Rumpelteazer" and "Rumpleteazer" (to the point of spelling it both ways on one page), the Australian CD spells it "Rumpel Teazer" (on the back of the CD case, and on the CD itself), "Rumple Teazer" (on the back of the libretto) and "Rumpleteazer" (inside the libretto), and the video spells it "Rumpleteazer" (credits) and "Rumpelteazer" (DVD scene selection). The original poem spells it "Rumpelteazer", so that's the spelling I've gone with here. (I've also seen some sources spell it as "Rumpleteaser"...)

Finally, note that the credits for the video also credit Paul Baker and Vicky Coote as Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer (respetively), implying that their voices were dubbed over (as Skimbleshanks and Jemima were). This is false; Jo Gibb and Drew Varley did their own singing. My guess (and I repeat, this is just a guess!) is that they did record Baker and Coote singing and then decided to just stick with the original voice track, but were still contractually obliged to credit them, despite not using their recording. (I've also seen people theorizing that Rumpel's giggles at the start of this song - and Mungojerrie shushing her - and her sneeze in "Skimbleshanks" were dubbed over, which seems plausible enough for me.) Either way, the bottom line is: they weren't dubbed. :)