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"Cats" and all related things are the property of Andrew Lloyd Webber, The Really Useful Group, and related parties. Lyrics are taken from and based off "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" and other poems by T.S. Eliot, with additions by Trevor Nunn and Richard Stilgoe. No copyright infringement is intended.
Mr. Mistoffelees
Sung by: The Rum Tum Tugger, Mr. Mistoffelees and The Company
Original London Cast
Original Broadway Cast
Original Australian Cast
Video
You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees!
The original conjuring cat.

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees' conjuring turn


Presto!

And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


He is quiet and small, he is black,
From the ears to the tip of his tail;
He can creep through the tiniest crack,
He can walk on the narrowest rail.

He can pick any card from the pack,
He is equally cunning with
dice;
He is always deceiving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice.

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;
If you look for a knife or a
fork
And you think it is merely misplaced -
You have seen it one moment? And then it is gawn!
You'll find it next week lying out on the lawn!


And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


His manner is vague and aloof
You would think there was nobody shyer -
But his voice has been heard on the roof
When he was curled up by the fire.
And he's sometimes been heard by the fire
When he was about on the roof -
At least, we all heard that somebody purred
Which is incontestable proof
Of his singular magical
powers:
And I've known the family to call
Him in from the garden for hours,
When he was asleep in the hall.

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!


And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

(He's a marvel!)

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

(Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!)

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

(You'll never believe it, you'll never believe it!)

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

(This cat defies belief!)

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

(Can you believe this? Before your very eyes!)

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Ladies and gentleman, I give you
The marvellous, magical,
Mr. Mistoffelees!

Presto!
You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees!
The original conjuring cat.

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees' conjuring turn


And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

He is quiet, he is small, he is black,
From the ears to the tip of his tail;
He can creep through the tiniest crack,
He could walk on the narrowest rail.

He can pick any card from the pack,
He is equally cunning with dice;
He is always deceiving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice.

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;
And if you look for a knife or a fork
And you think it is merely misplaced -
You have seen it one moment and then it is gone!
You find it next week lying out on the lawn!

And we all say,

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


My manner is vague and
aloof
You would think there was nobody shyer -
But my voice has been heard on the roof
When I was curled up by the fire.
And I've sometimes been heard by the fire
When I was about on the
roof -
At least, they all heard that somebody purred
Which is incontestable proof
Of my singular magical powers:
And I've known the family to call
Me in from the garden for hours,
When I was asleep in the hall.


And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,
Oh, well I never, was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Ladies and gentleman, I give you
The magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

You ought to ask Mr. Mistoffelees!
The original conjuring cat.

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees' conjuring turn


And you'll all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

He is quiet, he is small, he is black,
From his ears to the tip of his tail;
He can creep through the tiniest crack,
He can walk on the narrowest rail.

He can pick any card from a pack,
He is equally cunning with dice;
He is always deceiving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice.

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;
If you look for a knife and a fork
And you think it is merely misplaced -
You have seen it one moment and then it is gone!
But you find it next week lying out on the lawn!

And we all say,

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


My manner is vague and
aloof
You would think there was nobody shyer -
But my voice has been heard on the roof
When I was curled up by the fire.
And I've sometimes been heard by the fire
When I was about on the
roof -
At least, they all heard that somebody purred
Which is incontestable proof
Of my singular magical powers:
And I've known for the family to call
Me in from the garden for hours,
When I was asleep in the hall.


And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,
Oh, well I never, was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


I give you
The magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

You ought to ask magical Mr. Mistoffelees!
The original conjuring cat -
(There can be no doubt about that!)
Please, listen to me and don't scoff.
All his inventions are off his own bat

There's no such cat in the metropolis
He holds all the patent monopolies
For performing surprising illusions
And creating eccentric confusions!

The greatest magicians have something to learn
From Mr. Mistoffelees' conjuring turn

And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

He is quiet, he is small, he is black,
From his ears to the tip of his tail;
He can creep through the tiniest crack,
He can walk on the narrowest rail.

He can pick any card from the pack,
He's equally cunning with dice;
He's always deceiving you into believing
That he's only hunting for mice.

He can play any trick with a cork
Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;
If you look for a knife or a fork
And you think that it's merely misplaced -
You've seen it one moment? But then it is gone!
But you'll find it next week laying out on the lawn!

And we all say,
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Presto!

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


His manner is vague and
aloof
And you would think there was nobody shyer -
But his voice can be heard on the roof
While he was curled up by the fire.
And he's sometimes been heard by the fire
While he was about on the roof -
At least, we all heard that somebody purred
Which is incontestable proof
And of his singular magical powers,
I've known the family to call
Him in from the garden for hours,
While he was asleep in the hall.

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


[Dance solo]

Magical!

And not long ago this phenomenal cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!

And we all say,
Oh, well I never, was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Mystical!

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


Magical! Mystical!

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A cat so clever
As magical Mr. Mistoffelees?


I give you
The magical, the marvellous,
Mr. Mistoffelees!

Notes

I'm not sure who sings the parts in the London version that are written in black text ("He's a marvel!", etc).
Live productions of this song have a fairly long (and *amazing*) dance solo for Mistoffelees halfway through the song (it's generally placed before the "His manner is vague and aloof..." verse). Unfortunately, this was drastically cut down for the video version due to time limits; all the CDs cut it down, too, for similar reasons. (It's a real shame, too - it's one of the best parts of the show, in my opinion.)
I believe most, if not all, live productions go with the full version of the opening speech, as used in the video. Possibly it was cut down from the CDs for time.
Some sources, including the Australian libretto, refer to this song as "Magical Mr. Mistoffelees". More sources call it simply "Mr. Mistoffelees", though, so I went with that for this page. With regard to "gawn" - that's how the London libretto spells it, so that's what I went with. (That's how it's sung, too.)
The 2014 London revival version of this song was.. pretty much the same, except that (as it was sung by the rapping "street cat" Tugger) it had some rapping over the last few verses. That's all that needs to be said about that version, really.